Trying to be the best email marketer possible is just too mainstream, if you ask me. Really, why not aim to be the worst one instead? Besides, from the looks of things, many other marketers have already started pursuing this goal: There's no other sensible explanation to some of their practices.

So this post/guide/tutorial is for them. And, actually, for everyone who wants to be the worst email marketer online (for whatever reason).

And, first of all, good news: being the worst email marketer is a lot easier than being the best; but it still does involve some work on your part.

1. Send only promotional emails

This is the most important rule. To be the worst email marketer on the planet, you absolutely have to be sending promotional emails only. No useful content. No advice about anything. Just promotion.

You know, creating good content is too expensive and time-consuming. To create content, you actually have to possess some knowledge about something. But to promote an affiliate product, for example... you don't need anything at all.

And, of course, even when you promote your own products, don't invest in good copy, because there's no point. Just list a number of fake benefits, put a "buy now" link at the bottom, and press "send." Should be just fine.

2. Send emails twice a day

The more the better, right? I mean, since people have subscribed to your email list, they obviously want to be contacted multiple times a day.

People are bored, they have nothing else to do all day other than reading your promotional emails and buying everything you recommend.

You can also try sending the same email a couple of times, just to be sure that everyone sees it. You don't want to miss out on those precious sales.

3. Use only pitchy subject lines

The subject line is the most important element of the email (this one's actually true for everyone, not only for the worst email marketers). So use this valuable piece of online real estate to state something strange or something that doesn't make any sense at all.

Here's a perfect subject line: "BAD NEWS."

Online marketers love this one. It tells the recipient absolutely nothing, but it makes them so curious that they will most likely open the email anyway. Even if there's no real bad news inside... only promotion.

For example, place this in the body of such an email: "It's bad news for you because my special promotion ends this Saturday."

Well played, Mr. Marketer, well played.

4. Write only essay-long emails

Long copy is the best kind of copy. There's really no point in writing short emails. People have time. Remember, that's why we're sending them two messages every day. And every one of these emails has to be—really has to be—essay-long.

I mean, you have to tell a story about something. The best stories are about your life. About how you struggled to make it. How you were the underdog, and so on. But then you've discovered a great way of doing such-and-such—and now you're selling it for $47.99 or whatever.

You can always include some fake testimonials, or other elements that will make you seem more credible. For example, a message like: "As seen on: Google, Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo!"

In a nutshell, you can write everything you can think of that will help you get the sale. People will read anyway.

Actually, if you want to kick it up a notch, you can add a crappy membership site to your offering. One where you simply take your free content, restructure it, and then charge people for access. Sweeeet!

5. Trick people into taking action

Being honest is so overrated. If you're honest, you're lowering your sales.

Here's a better idea.

Try to promote offers that include something like a free trial, but later on charge a ridiculous amount of money on an ongoing basis. Such offers are usually not that transparent about their practices, so the info regarding any ongoing payments is not very visible (small fonts, and so on).